The Final Goodbye

It was 6pm and I knew I'd be late, as my phone kept flashing Anurag this time. I realized I was dwelling in the flashbacks since the first call. I hastened my pace to get ready and took a quick shower, skipping the regular stroll through the wardrobe, I picked the black pants and T-shirt for the evening, with less time to style those hairs I tied them up quickly into a bun at the top, slipped into my black boats and yellow coat grabbed the car keys and headed to the cafe. It was a 15min drive from my apartment but today it took longer than usual to reach as if I was destined to be late, as if something was preventing me to see you, preventing from what lied ahead.

I spotted you from a distance while I was finding a parking space on the jammed street. You were strolling at the walkway, chatting gleefully on call. You in Blue jeans white linen shirt with sleeves rolled to half, white superstars in those feet and a blue blazer that hung around your arm, the silky hair falling to the forehead that you brushed every ten seconds and with the stance of yours, it could make hundred eyes role in amazement.
You noticed me and hanging the call you hugged me and said, "Omg look at you, you look gorgeous. It's soo good to see you..!!"

With a warm smile I said, "Thank you. You look good too..!!" ,trying to hide how awestruck I was, with the transformation you went through.

You raised an eyebrow doubting my compliment but I didn't care since that one thing always drew me towards the absolute you. I was still lingering in those eyes which could read me, even as a blank paper, kept me thinking where they have been soo long, was when you cut my thoughts short as we headed into the cafe to place the order and get seated. You choose the corner table at the end of the balcony as if you didn't want anyone to disturb us this November evening.

I thought it would be awkward around you but I was proven wrong as we hit off instantly. You went on telling your success stories at NeonYoung with every moment I feeling proud. You found a way, I thought. But everything went for a toss as with that first sip of coffee came the words which lay under the carpet from a decade.

"You should have given it a try !!", you started.

Realizing where it would head, I switched the topic, " I'm not fond of coffee. I have turned health conscious and so green tea", I winked at it.

"I'm not talking about it, you know that..!!" , smiling at my ignorance.

I knew there was no escape now. I gathered all my breath and exclaimed, "It was never meant to be..!!"

You looked at the table and back at me, your face turning crimson and you finally uttered that was bottled for all these years, "I loved you, you know, we were best friends and from that time beyond, I loved you..!!"

I froze with those words as I wanted not to listen anymore, "Anurag please... Let’s not get there..!"

“Can you listen to me for once?” , you asked. I agreed feeling stranded left no where run off.

You started pouring your heart, "We were young and always together... Even though we were just fifteen, I knew I was in love with you. And believed you liked me too, or at least knew how I felt. But hell broke loose on me, shattering my beliefs into thousand pieces when you got into a relationship with one, who I always termed as a perfect misfit for you !!"

“That was a bad choice I made, but I don't regret..! " I muttered.

"You don't even regret leaving me behind I guess !!". My heart sank with those words and voice, which loathed with sadness and regret. I felt like holding you and telling I never wanted to leave, never wanted to pick sides. But I knew situation wasn't the same today thus I stopped every instinct of mine to console you, to give you what you longed for in the moment, as I sat there silently listening to every feeling you shed.

"You know how difficult it was for me as, my heart ached when we parted ways then. My life was no less than a barren land with you not in it. I cried to sleep and tried everything to get you out of me. Smoke, alcohol, even trying to love someone wholly... But everything I tried to stay away, pulled me closer and more closer to you. My heart felt hollow and incapable of loving anyone..!!"
I was dying to find words that my heart would connect to, words that would voice that I was feeling.. Words that would make sense but every word I clung to choked in my throat today.

"When we somehow found a way back to each other all I wanted was you to be around, not to see how devastated I was. But you came, you saw, you fixed me and I got solace that I never expected. It was the same time when I realize how ignorant you were to how I felt always naming what we have a rebound, piercing through me like a hundred knifes. Everyone around me hated you for what you did to me but I stood helpless at that too.. but how could I hate the one who makes the heart sing? All that my heart desired was to reach out for, bestow it with the only thing it knew, being yours. I worked towards it and whatever I am today, I owe it to you Sanaya.. I owe to the love I have for you.."

'It was all you, none of me', but you refrained to let me speak as you continued again, "I have everything today Sanaya..

Everything but...."
You paused and started to look around as if to gather words to tell what you really wanted and I plunged in the moment saying, "Everything, but not Sanaya..!!!"

With a blur smile you said, "You always were an expert at putting the felt and unsaid to words Sanaya... At defining what I want.. Defining what one seeks during unsurely.. But one question always bothered me..!"
"And what is that?",I asked.
" If you are soo good understanding voicing the feeling of everyone, how were you ignorant this long for me..??"
"I was not aware what you had on your mind, I'm no mind reader.."

"Maybe I'm asking the wrong question”, leaning ahead on the table your dark brown eyes resting in mine you asked that I haven't questioned my own self till today, " Did you ever liked me Sanaya.?? Did I ever mean anything more to you than just a friend..??"

I felt as if my head is underwater. It spinning like a crashing airplane and all I wanted was to feel the air around me but everything stood still as your words echoed through me..
I drew in all my thoughts as I needed to say something to this and all could say was, "I don't know.."

From the cold face you turned to, I understood you are not done yet. And I felt you deserve the truth so I dug into the darkest corner of my heart and started, "I don't know Anurag, I don't know since I was never sure about love and like as you were then. You were the one I spoke my heart to like no one else. You were the one who brought smile to my gloomy days. You were the one whom I wanted to see at the end of the day. You were the first that sent butterflies in my stomach and one that my heart would tell yes..!!"

Your face brightened, I could see you blush under that smile you were trying to hide, "We can be that, everything can be true only, only if you give us a chance..!!", you posed.

"It’s too late", I reverted.

You sighed unable to process why I always go into denial. "What went wrong with us Sanaya ??", you finally questioned.

I wondered at it, knowing I can get brutal while answering this. But today after all that I heard, I decided not to hold back as I fanned out the words, "Nothing went wrong Anurag. Only, only had it been at least once about me.. Only if you could see what I wished.. You were the one who should have known.. Only for once had it not about losing me and being honest.. Only if you could see that I was devastated too but no one spared their soul to fix me up...!"

My words put you into a state of bewilderment as every truth that we succumbed to unknowingly all this time it was all out, it laid on the table like an abundant child in rain, where we both knew not what to do or say.

Your eyes were stuck to the table unable to face what I told.. You felt like ripping the time till date and fixing the broken pieces ten years ago... You wanted to scream at the top of your voice and tell how stupid you were too and how self centric you turned when it came to decipher the feelings.
But everything your silence spoke today what your words failed at and it started heaving my heart with mountainous load, crushing timidly the feelings that I preserved, with every passing minute. Still you failed to utter. I sat their hoping you would come, hug me, ask to let go now that you are there, but you failed. I sat there hoping you might come kiss all the pain away that wrecked me, but you failed. I sat there to find solace, to confide in you, but you failed me today, again. We sat in silence, nothing was spoken beyond that, sipping the hot beverages turning cold as the darkness started gripping us, filling in for the unsaid, pulling us apart than ever before.

It was when I realized nothing is left within me, I got up saying, “I need to head home...!!”
You nodded and walked me towards the car, resting your head on the top, drawing strength one final time you said with those dark eyes getting damp, " It’s been ten years and my love for you still remains.. From that time till today I love you... I have loved you more than anything in my life... You are my first love and last since I do not know how to love someone else the way I love you. You, Sanaya will always own heart."
With those words you took a step ahead, making me take one back as I said, “ You will. You found a way before, you’ll find it again.”
You smiled at me saying, "I know I'm not the one for you but with all my heart I wish all the happiness for you.."

You leaned, kissed my forehead and stepped aside so that I could get in the car. 

And I left never to look back. 

There was soo much between us always and yet today nothing but final goodbye remained.