That thing called Distance..!!

Distance. How many would have ever pondered on the power this word carries with itself while gripping them and dragging into a vicious circle of abashment..!

Realising its power tearing relationships, people and confidence apart, it pains how the world they build with soo much conviction, comes down with this one word. Distance. It clenches the treasured peace from their hearts and drags it into to the abyss of darkness leaving it nothing with to beat for. Punching a distance shaped hole in the universe. Their universe.

Being kids it didn't bother them much, all they knew was to be loved and render the same; totally unaware that all of it will fade in the midst of growing old. Aim, money, fame, prosperity, experiencing newness, adventure, emptiness makes them travel places, but the wants, do they ever end..?? Well answer to such a question is always clubbed with indifference. And in lieu of it they forget what's left eating the dust..

Behind is all the love, all the care, all the attention they long and deserve. They gave it up all, allowed it to be spooned away by the dusty winds of ego, needs. Somehow simple things are always overlooked. Small things are always said and the big, the important, the must always lay under the sheets and thus follows the pilling up of emotions, leading to all the hubbub. Away from the roots they start to find the solace, ignoring the one who is ready to give them, themselves to sooth the pain. Such clamour blinds them and left is, they shooting in black trying to get close to their real self. Real self, higher self, self, lost and lost is the hope to find love within and to be loved. And what good does this darkness and loss bring ?? They will say strength, I would say distance. And what use of such strength be if it isn't peaceful enough, where the only feeling now left is longing, longing to be embraced so that the intriguing pain is blown by the winds of change.

So break loose. Shed the blinds. Open yourself to the light around. Clasp it soo tight as it is the last drop of water for a deserted plant. Be a child again and get along with simple things of life. Above the material needs is love which is in the power of your own self and is dying to find an escape from the clutches of that thing called distance. So wherever you are make an effort towards your own self and take a step towards those, who make your heart sing. They won't be hesitant to make hundred such towards you, to help you get to your solace..!!

Distance is sheer word, we give it the power it has with ours wants and ego. Don't let it win over you..!!

By

Sushmita

The Final Goodbye

It was 6pm and I knew I'd be late, as my phone kept flashing Anurag this time. I realized I was dwelling in the flashbacks since the first call. I hastened my pace to get ready and took a quick shower, skipping the regular stroll through the wardrobe, I picked the black pants and T-shirt for the evening, with less time to style those hairs I tied them up quickly into a bun at the top, slipped into my black boats and yellow coat grabbed the car keys and headed to the cafe. It was a 15min drive from my apartment but today it took longer than usual to reach as if I was destined to be late, as if something was preventing me to see you, preventing from what lied ahead.

I spotted you from a distance while I was finding a parking space on the jammed street. You were strolling at the walkway, chatting gleefully on call. You in Blue jeans white linen shirt with sleeves rolled to half, white superstars in those feet and a blue blazer that hung around your arm, the silky hair falling to the forehead that you brushed every ten seconds and with the stance of yours, it could make hundred eyes role in amazement.
You noticed me and hanging the call you hugged me and said, "Omg look at you, you look gorgeous. It's soo good to see you..!!"

With a warm smile I said, "Thank you. You look good too..!!" ,trying to hide how awestruck I was, with the transformation you went through.

You raised an eyebrow doubting my compliment but I didn't care since that one thing always drew me towards the absolute you. I was still lingering in those eyes which could read me, even as a blank paper, kept me thinking where they have been soo long, was when you cut my thoughts short as we headed into the cafe to place the order and get seated. You choose the corner table at the end of the balcony as if you didn't want anyone to disturb us this November evening.

I thought it would be awkward around you but I was proven wrong as we hit off instantly. You went on telling your success stories at NeonYoung with every moment I feeling proud. You found a way, I thought. But everything went for a toss as with that first sip of coffee came the words which lay under the carpet from a decade.

"You should have given it a try !!", you started.

Realizing where it would head, I switched the topic, " I'm not fond of coffee. I have turned health conscious and so green tea", I winked at it.

"I'm not talking about it, you know that..!!" , smiling at my ignorance.

I knew there was no escape now. I gathered all my breath and exclaimed, "It was never meant to be..!!"

You looked at the table and back at me, your face turning crimson and you finally uttered that was bottled for all these years, "I loved you, you know, we were best friends and from that time beyond, I loved you..!!"

I froze with those words as I wanted not to listen anymore, "Anurag please... Let’s not get there..!"

“Can you listen to me for once?” , you asked. I agreed feeling stranded left no where run off.

You started pouring your heart, "We were young and always together... Even though we were just fifteen, I knew I was in love with you. And believed you liked me too, or at least knew how I felt. But hell broke loose on me, shattering my beliefs into thousand pieces when you got into a relationship with one, who I always termed as a perfect misfit for you !!"

“That was a bad choice I made, but I don't regret..! " I muttered.

"You don't even regret leaving me behind I guess !!". My heart sank with those words and voice, which loathed with sadness and regret. I felt like holding you and telling I never wanted to leave, never wanted to pick sides. But I knew situation wasn't the same today thus I stopped every instinct of mine to console you, to give you what you longed for in the moment, as I sat there silently listening to every feeling you shed.

"You know how difficult it was for me as, my heart ached when we parted ways then. My life was no less than a barren land with you not in it. I cried to sleep and tried everything to get you out of me. Smoke, alcohol, even trying to love someone wholly... But everything I tried to stay away, pulled me closer and more closer to you. My heart felt hollow and incapable of loving anyone..!!"
I was dying to find words that my heart would connect to, words that would voice that I was feeling.. Words that would make sense but every word I clung to choked in my throat today.

"When we somehow found a way back to each other all I wanted was you to be around, not to see how devastated I was. But you came, you saw, you fixed me and I got solace that I never expected. It was the same time when I realize how ignorant you were to how I felt always naming what we have a rebound, piercing through me like a hundred knifes. Everyone around me hated you for what you did to me but I stood helpless at that too.. but how could I hate the one who makes the heart sing? All that my heart desired was to reach out for, bestow it with the only thing it knew, being yours. I worked towards it and whatever I am today, I owe it to you Sanaya.. I owe to the love I have for you.."

'It was all you, none of me', but you refrained to let me speak as you continued again, "I have everything today Sanaya..

Everything but...."
You paused and started to look around as if to gather words to tell what you really wanted and I plunged in the moment saying, "Everything, but not Sanaya..!!!"

With a blur smile you said, "You always were an expert at putting the felt and unsaid to words Sanaya... At defining what I want.. Defining what one seeks during unsurely.. But one question always bothered me..!"
"And what is that?",I asked.
" If you are soo good understanding voicing the feeling of everyone, how were you ignorant this long for me..??"
"I was not aware what you had on your mind, I'm no mind reader.."

"Maybe I'm asking the wrong question”, leaning ahead on the table your dark brown eyes resting in mine you asked that I haven't questioned my own self till today, " Did you ever liked me Sanaya.?? Did I ever mean anything more to you than just a friend..??"

I felt as if my head is underwater. It spinning like a crashing airplane and all I wanted was to feel the air around me but everything stood still as your words echoed through me..
I drew in all my thoughts as I needed to say something to this and all could say was, "I don't know.."

From the cold face you turned to, I understood you are not done yet. And I felt you deserve the truth so I dug into the darkest corner of my heart and started, "I don't know Anurag, I don't know since I was never sure about love and like as you were then. You were the one I spoke my heart to like no one else. You were the one who brought smile to my gloomy days. You were the one whom I wanted to see at the end of the day. You were the first that sent butterflies in my stomach and one that my heart would tell yes..!!"

Your face brightened, I could see you blush under that smile you were trying to hide, "We can be that, everything can be true only, only if you give us a chance..!!", you posed.

"It’s too late", I reverted.

You sighed unable to process why I always go into denial. "What went wrong with us Sanaya ??", you finally questioned.

I wondered at it, knowing I can get brutal while answering this. But today after all that I heard, I decided not to hold back as I fanned out the words, "Nothing went wrong Anurag. Only, only had it been at least once about me.. Only if you could see what I wished.. You were the one who should have known.. Only for once had it not about losing me and being honest.. Only if you could see that I was devastated too but no one spared their soul to fix me up...!"

My words put you into a state of bewilderment as every truth that we succumbed to unknowingly all this time it was all out, it laid on the table like an abundant child in rain, where we both knew not what to do or say.

Your eyes were stuck to the table unable to face what I told.. You felt like ripping the time till date and fixing the broken pieces ten years ago... You wanted to scream at the top of your voice and tell how stupid you were too and how self centric you turned when it came to decipher the feelings.
But everything your silence spoke today what your words failed at and it started heaving my heart with mountainous load, crushing timidly the feelings that I preserved, with every passing minute. Still you failed to utter. I sat their hoping you would come, hug me, ask to let go now that you are there, but you failed. I sat there hoping you might come kiss all the pain away that wrecked me, but you failed. I sat there to find solace, to confide in you, but you failed me today, again. We sat in silence, nothing was spoken beyond that, sipping the hot beverages turning cold as the darkness started gripping us, filling in for the unsaid, pulling us apart than ever before.

It was when I realized nothing is left within me, I got up saying, “I need to head home...!!”
You nodded and walked me towards the car, resting your head on the top, drawing strength one final time you said with those dark eyes getting damp, " It’s been ten years and my love for you still remains.. From that time till today I love you... I have loved you more than anything in my life... You are my first love and last since I do not know how to love someone else the way I love you. You, Sanaya will always own heart."
With those words you took a step ahead, making me take one back as I said, “ You will. You found a way before, you’ll find it again.”
You smiled at me saying, "I know I'm not the one for you but with all my heart I wish all the happiness for you.."

You leaned, kissed my forehead and stepped aside so that I could get in the car. 

And I left never to look back. 

There was soo much between us always and yet today nothing but final goodbye remained.

When Distance made us fall in Love..... Again...!!!

You came and whispered to me, "Baby get up, its time, we need to leave..!!" Pretending half asleep I responded, "I'm too tired..another half hour please..." Deep down I needed some more time to be around you... I wasn't ready to let go yet.. Not ready, for been away from you when I just saw you after, what felt like a decade.. You told please or else I'll miss the flight and I was still adamant not to leave.. But you, as you are too stubborn, you picked me in your arms and walked to the door, it was too chilly and I would have frozen had it not been in the warmth of your arms...
You placed me gently in the car seat covered me warm and headed to the street.

It was still dark outside before dawn. And in the incandescent light of the streets it was still the December snow. I looked at you, your face flushed due to the wintry wind, those dark eyes lay doubtless today and with a straight face you were focused on the road... I thought how do you gather the strength to be away for long, strength to tell goodbye, strength not to see me for another year... Somewhere I was pissed at you being soo headstrong always.. Yet I wanted to hug you close, feel what you were being, and borrow some strength from you.. But beyond this I wanted to cry my heart out and tell you I don't want to go, not this time, since I have turned too weak to carry on with the distance all this while..!! My words failed me with My heart sinking at every mile we crossed hoping you'll sense all what I kept locked underneath.....

I don't remember when I fell asleep, it was when I felt your ice cold fingers stroking my cheeks, I rubbed my eyes and in a sharp tone I asked, "Airport..??"
You weren't astonished with my fanatic reaction instead with a smile you said, "Ohh Hon just look beyond..!!"

It was the same lighthouse I used to talk about and told always wanted to visit but couldn't since it was too far a drive and bound by the short trips I made once a year, we failed to find time.. And today, here I stood at the gallery feeling enchanted as the snow laid its white blanket around engulfing everything in its serenity and the lamp house behind soothingly lowering its flame after burning this whole time... The sky started to shine slowly welcoming the sun to start anew... My heart singing song every moment the sun peeked out a little like a child from his mother's back... The cold wind mildly erasing my thoughts before I felt asleep.. I imagined this moment always but never knew it would be mesmerising that I'd feel.. I opened my arms to the warmth and stretched to hug the rising sun... Just then you stood close behind wrapping me tenderly in those strong arms.. We kept looking at the golden sky for a while and for the first time I felt you going weak in your knees, to gather strength I knew not what for...

You released me is when, I gathered my thoughts and questioned myself why are we here instead of the airport and,
You called out my name..

I was taken aback with the sight of you on one knee. I knew what it meant and baffled I wanted to run for the street. I was not ready for this, I thought... Ready for you since somewhere due to the outgrown distance I felt aloof from and confused with you. Thoughts from each corner came gushing and it froze my heart not letting it beat.

You pulled a letter out from the pocket and started with a very cliché line, "Don't be afraid, breath my love..."
I couldn't stop giggling at this and after soo much efforts not to, I laughed thinking you bumped your head to the glass wall beside...
You smiled at the sight and continued silencing me...
"The first time when I saw you walking out from the class my heart stopped beating... I knew you were special when our eyes met that day... Since then till today you have the ability to see through my soul, read me like no one else can... Your presence stabilises me and You are what I call solace... But one thing, you always questioned with the growing distance... How do I manage to stay apart...!!?? "

You paused and I could see glimpse of tear in your eyes, before I could say anything you gulped it down and continued, "Today I want to let it all out, tell you that I cannot, cannot handle you being miles apart... I always believed you were around even though you weren't...I talked to you in those alone times, thought what would you do when things went rocky.. But nothing, nothing could ever replace the way you hugged me to tell it'll be okhie...the way you held my hand all the time...and I remember passers commenting 'New love birds'...only had they know it's being 7 years...the way you used to steal kisses even when in crowd... The way you hold my gaze across the room full of people as if I'm the only one around.. You honey at every moment were stronger than me..since you expressed soo effortlessly... And I'm tired now, tired with not having you around.. Tired of acting strong... Tired to tell I'm ok when actually I'm not...!"

I already had tears in my eyes... First time I felt I was wrong about you... First time I couldn't sense what you were actually going through.. How stupid was I, thinking you could stay away when your eyes went searching for me always... What distance does I realized for the the first time and what my heart felt was, like being struck by a bolt from the sky...

You looked at me and said, "Ohh..!! No Hon don't feel that way.. It's just that the time has taken its toll but we are still going strong... And I want to hold you back forever to make us even stronger...!!"

With this you pulled out a box from another pocket and opened to a shiny rock saying, "Will you be my forever..?? Will you let me stand by you and see you smile now and always..?? Will you Make me complete..?? Will you Give me the honour to be you man..?? Will you, 'Marry me'..?? "

I way already crying, and it felt the happiest moment ever, since in spite of the clamour I knew where my heart belonged... I got down on my knees, held your face which was glowing with the rising sun and said, "So after all we are missing the flight..??"
You taken by surprise with my reaction told,"I never had plans to get you on it... "

I was amused by the way you pulled it through and just then seeking assurance in my eyes you asked, "So that's an Yes..!!!??",
I laughed thinking how silly you can get and I kissed you saying, "Yes... Yes.. A thousand times over..!!"
You took me in your arms and kissed like never before kissed till our lips got sore...

I told you to take me home since I was freezing in the cold.. We got up looked at the new day, a new start, and how everything changed today with a rising star..
You turned to me, tucked the hairs falling to my chin behind my ear and silently said, "Thank you... Thank you for loving me..!!"
That moment I could see you shying away...blushing like a teen in love and I fell for you all over again, so I pulled you close and hugged you tight never to let go in this or another lifetime...

There we melted in each others arms just like the snow first kissed by the warm sunlight...!!



By
Sushmita :)

Amazing Day..!!!

It was a cool winter evening and I was lying on the dew kissed grass... The sky was blanketed white and little could you see through to get a glimpse of the star line.. The leaves grey and green danced to the tune set by the cool breeze streaming, made, the perfect set for an evening I longed for... But, all of this still failed to lift me up from the gloominess I felt.. I tried to hide how miserable I had become lately but after all I'd been through was I supposed to hide, was the question raised... How I lost myself to life was I kept thinking.. Shedding it all, I sat there fussing about how it never turns out to be the way you want... How helpless I felt, losing faith in myself.. And I had none but you, with all the patience being there, listening..

I want to see them once I said, and waved to the clouds... And to my surprise, they started to clear and my heart grew fonder with every star sneaking out... In the December sky, they shone like diamonds in a bewildered night... I was overwhelmed at the sight seeing the three of my own... I smiled, and stretched my arm pointing at each one of them and they responded by twinkling brighter... I thought how they have not changed even a bit... Winter brings them with it every year to ornate the starlit sky... Do they have any other purpose I thought... Do they belong to someone I thought... Or its just me for whom they shine .!! I raised my palm and tried to hold all three of them together, but one would slip off every time... I played the game for long and the feeling there was pure like a child's heart... It got me closer all over again to the younger me, less all the worries I carried today with me... And all this time you watched profoundly..

I was pulled out of the playground when you said, "You have very tiny palms..you won't be able to hold them all at once..you know..!!" I giggled saying, " I don't want them all at once.."

"Then what is with you and the stars...??", you asked..

"When I was a kid I heard stories about them..", looking at them I started, "They came to life through the end... I used to fall asleep believing, they watch over me through the cold nights.. Older I grew, I began pouring my heart out to them... And they were there, listening silently, not judging, which made me breath easy... They always shine up there in unison and their fellowship started giving me reason strong enough to hold on and to go on... They lightened my shadowy hours and made my sunny times shine brighter, as if I'm the one purpose of their existence... It would sound absurd but they do made me have an undying faith in myself whenever I looked up to them, just like the one, a child does have in his mother...!!"

I stopped, expecting you to say something but instead we sat gazing them for quite sometime...
Turning to you I said, "Well... This is what it is with me and the stars... What is your story of strength, you never told.."

You smiled, looked at the stars and then at me and said, "YOU...!!!!"

What I felt then was indecipherable... All I left with was, twinkling eyes that smiled brighter than the stars the night... It made me feel strong like never before.. It made me want to believe in myself more... It gave all that I was looking for...
With this, I took your hand in mine and grasped the stars affirming, "Now I have all of them..!!"
You looked at me with a grin and we both burst laughing...
Catching a breath you said, "Such a Drama Queen you are..!!"
And I crowned myself saying, "Ahem.. Ahem.. Yes I'm..!!"
And we both cracked up again..

It has been more than a decade we have been best friends, how I didn't realize all this time that You are all that my stars ever could be, with you even silence means soo much more to me. You became the reason to hold on then, the reason one of the three was slipping off in play...
That day we sat there smitten by the peace around, unaware of the clock going round....
And we broke humming our favorite song by Coldplay,

We sat on a roof, named every star..
Shared every bruise and showed every scar..
Hope has its proof put your hand in mine, saying..
"Life has a beautiful, crazy design"
And time seemed to say
"Forget the world and it's weight"
And here I just want to stay

Amazing day
Amazing day

Sushmita :)

Underneath the Red Sky

It was a lonely evening by the side of a shore, I was trying to breath life into the melancholy, hoping and clinching the light creeping in form the tiniest of corners... It was me, trying to live again, but failing to find a reason, when I was standing alone at the same place where we first kissed... The kiss which felt still lingering on my lips with every breeze that touched, while I was straying along the same place I come to over and over again, to make me want to be the person before.. And there I was, standing on the shore caught in a conflict of you and me...

Deep into the reflection it was some voice that was constantly calling out interrupting me saying "Madamji, aage mat jao samundar gehera h aur lehere tez..!!"
It was when it got louder I stopped, and lost in you I never realised I walked way past from the shore, the way I walked away from being me and colored anew with your love... I stood still with knee deep water, feeling the sand taken away from beneath, every time the wave receded into the sea taking a part of me inch by inch moving me deeper...and I saw you in me triumphing, was when i prepared to give in..!!

All ready to sink into your flooding reminiscence, all ready to believe there's nothing left to look ahead for, with you not by my side, was when the water started shining making the sea beyond look, a bed of gold laid by setting sun. My gaze stuck at the horizon, I could see nothing, but the sea hugging the red sky refraining to let go. I tried to seek what lies beyond hoping that there must be an end where they would cease to be one since somewhere deep down I knew they should.. Gazing into the setting sun, changing colors around every time coming closer to the sea, as you changed my world with every step you took towards me. All my efforts were washed off and my quest came to a stand still when you echoed in the midst of all the clamour. You are like Air you called me, free, fragile and effortlessly to be loved, yet strong enough to wave a tranquil sea. It made a silent tear roll down my cheek awakening me from the thoughts making me aware that there's no end to our oneness as for the sea under the red sky, no end where we would be in silo to the world... My love for you is way beyond being together and moving on...way beyond what's right and wrong..way beyond what the humans want...you taught me to love, how can it be unlearned..?? How can I return to be the same person I used to be when you pulled me close and loved me till my cheeks hurt with joy... You turned toppled my world and painted it fresh how can it fade away with a wave to wash.??

You made me feel loved, made me feel alive, made me love and made me be wise...you were a part and always will be of my life.. I pulled myself together with all of you treasured in me...there, strength I named you and walked back to life... At the shore the waves erased the footsteps left behind...they were fading but you won't... The last wish you said is 'Me to love someone with every piece of my heart the way we did when we first kissed', is a promise I keep now that you are gone..

Like the blues of the heavens and the earth are apart still one so we will be knit together still distant till the horizon cease to shun ..!! Maybe a lifetime after we would be together, a time We would be complete underneath the red sky..!!

By,

Sushmita.. :)

When all that you want is to be Sure of..!!

What is it that one longs for..what is it that makes you feel satisfied yet incomplete...what makes you wander in the mist of fulfilment...they say, answer to every "what", is not needed..but I say yes...!! I need..I need an answer to everything..its alright, if the answer isn't mouthed..its alright, if it isn't penned down somewhere...its alright, if the answer isn't from anyone close..its alright..!! But, I want to elope now, into a world where all my answers are hidden...no matter if they are in a form of a song that makes me move, a movie that will put me to clear thoughts, the way nature makes me feel..it doesn't matter...if its a touch that makes me feel elited..a hug that makes me feel secured..a smile that makes me blush..a gaze that makes me feel loved..a talk that's makes me feel content or just someone's presence that would mean the world to me..!! Maybe, far beyond the horizon this place exists..that has an equal longing for me to embrace that I have for it...a place I would call mine..a place that will be my Wonderland, is a place I seek, where what I need, I'll be sure of.. !!! :)